A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Gynecologist
GYNECOLOGIST
GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange....'
'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies
.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You're simply going through the change
!!!!!!!!
GRACE seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange....'
'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies
.''I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete now!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You're simply going through the change
!!!!!!!!
What is an American?
Written by an Australian Dentist
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a
report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a
reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let
everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one.
(Good one, mate!!!!)
'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish ,
Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican,
African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab,
or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho,
Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.
In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The
only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them
chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion.. For that he will
answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak
for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the
world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of
Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of
happiness.
An American is generous.. Americans have helped out just about every other
nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans
came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other
nation to the poor in Afghanistan ..
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your
tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless,
tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11 ,
2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the
World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries,
cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the
terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General
Tojo , and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in
the world.. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because
Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that
spirit, everywhere, is an American.
Please keep this going!
Pass this around the World .
Then pass it around again. It says it all, for all of us.
Please do not just delete.
Pass it on first.
Thanks!
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a
report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a
reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let
everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one.
(Good one, mate!!!!)
'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish ,
Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican,
African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab,
or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho,
Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian , or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.
In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The
only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them
chooses.
An American is also free to believe in no religion.. For that he will
answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak
for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the
world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of
Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of
happiness.
An American is generous.. Americans have helped out just about every other
nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans
came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other
nation to the poor in Afghanistan ..
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your
tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless,
tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11 ,
2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the
World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries,
cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the
terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General
Tojo , and Stalin , and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in
the world.. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself . Because
Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that
spirit, everywhere, is an American.
Please keep this going!
Pass this around the World .
Then pass it around again. It says it all, for all of us.
Please do not just delete.
Pass it on first.
Thanks!
Friday, July 9, 2010
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .............
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Thanks to Email
As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
DEAR DIARY
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship--all my nicest dresses,
swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today--seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
---------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
---------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice!
All packed for the cruise ship--all my nicest dresses,
swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today--seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
---------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
---------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives.
Twice!
The Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!
FINALLY, OVERALLS THAT FIT!
From Bubba Bob..........
Just ask for the 'TENNESSEE CUT
Brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat ain't left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You have to burn your yard, 'cuz your mower can't get through it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back but they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump, with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car'll hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized, 'cuz your daddy made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You've a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation, because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Their Date
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner
, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's is first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious
."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist
.
, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.He tells the pharmacist it's is first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious
."The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)