The Pastor's Cat

THE PASTOR'S CAT This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor? Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.' Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor. Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed. GIVE ME A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD GIVE ME THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLKS AMEN !

Walmart Theme Song

Walmartians Strike Again

More From Walmart

I  have infinite admiration for the sheer strength  of good quality  denim.
Moreover, I will be  eternally thankful if Honeysuckle's jeans wait  until she reaches the truck to explode.   Seriously, they should consider  using denim on the next NASA space  shuttle.

Spring,   Texas

You  have no idea how exhausting it can be putting on  tight purple sweat  pants!

Pensacola, Florida

Don't  laugh! It’s okay, because Bambi's granddaughter  borrowed her skirt. Plus,  today is combination Casual Friday and Crazy  Hair Day, all rolled into  one.

College  Station, Texas

Apparently,  Lester Flem doesn't know whether he's  homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual,  polysexual, or asexual.
However, if   you look up the word 'Transgender' in the  dictionary... BINGO!!! There  you will see a picture of dear old flaming  Lester in his boots.

Laguna Niguel, California

I  call a new rule  at  Wal-mart: If  the hole in your jeans is big enough for me to  slip my hand inside and sneak a little squeeze,  then by golly you best be on guard!
The  squeezer, however, retains the right to either  squeeze or not to squeeze!

Sarasota, Florida

Unfortunately,  the only strap working on this entire outfit is  the one holding that hideous hair in  place. Is that former Federal Reserve  Chairman Paul Volcker's wife or is that Paul  Volcker?

Los  Angeles, California

Where  exactly does one buy a short pink outfit like  this to beef shop in?

Birmingham,   Alabama

So,  this is either a cross-dressing nautical Popeye  enthusiast OR well, fill in  anything. It  really doesn't matter, because  nothing we  say will make any sense.
Who lets  these people out of the house  un-chaperoned?

Destin, Florida

Those  purple shorts are HOT! I  saw those same shorts one time on an elephant in  a circus in Belarus.
The  house shoes make the outfit!

Columbus, Ohio

Whatever  happened to No Shirt, No Shoes, No  Service?
Is that a turban on his head or  a serving of Jiffy-Pop?
Is the girl in  the  background taking a picture or  teaching the guy  in the black wife beater T-shirt to play, "Here  is the church and here is   the steeple. Open it up and here are  the people!"
Is the chick in the green  bikini  top putting on  makeup?
Honey, you should have saved your   money and purchased either a T-shirt or a  case of Slim  Fast.

Baton   Rouge, Louisiana

Don't  worry, I've already forwarded this picture to  Burberry Worldwide  in London. I  thought it would be beneficial for them to be  reminded of why they got into the fashion and  design  industry in the first place.  
I'm sure Burberry will be ecstatic over seeing their vision spring  to life.  
Exciting too, is  how Lulu's slippers simply make those shorts  POP!!

Toss  in some cat food and Cooter is the loneliest guy  in town!

Fort  Payne, Alabama

Someone  else can try to figure out what she's doing,  because I have to go wash my eyes out with  bleach.

Oxford,   Mississippi

I'm  not sure what kinky Bathsheba Squeal plans to do  with that pie filling. But  there is just something about her that tells me  she doesn't bake, she doesn't watch Rachael  Ray, and she has no intention of using that pie  filling in the kitchen.

La  Verne, California

For  those times when you need fried okra and chicken  strips so bad, that you just can't wait for the  bleach to set.

Montgomery, Alabama

Is  it even legal to sell that shade of  pink? I  love the way Ms. Incense Berkowitz color  coordinated her reusable shopping bag to match  her shoes, purse, leggings, shirt,   jacket, earrings and  necklace. If  a bra had been necessary, do you think for one  second it would have been any color  other than SHRIEKING  PINK?
Glendale, California    

Agerton?   Is that you?  What do you expect me  to say? That's  exactly what he looks like from  the rear. True,  I've never seen Agerton in heels.
Still,  if I told you there is a picture where purple  hair is the least weird thing going on, would  you believed me?
Honestly, is that a man  or a woman or is Lester Flem back in the  store?

Mobile, Alabama

Britney  Spears has done let herself go  again.

Slidell, Louisiana

Dear  Mrs. Razzlebone-Karbofski, it was cute to dress  your boys Festus and Cletus alike when they were  two years old, but at 45?  Well, not so  much!
Suddenly, Festus says, "Hey,  Cletus, I been thankin. If my truck could travel  faster than the speed of light, would my  headlights work?"

Tifton, Georgia

I  am so embarrassed.
Seriously, I have no  idea how this photo of my son's 5th grade  history teacher and part-time Gun Care  Instructor, Miss Cinnamon Goodpicker, got mixed  in with this roll of film.

Katy, Texas

Packing  this rear in camouflage shorts is like trying to  hide an elephant behind a  squirrel.

Seattle, Washington

And  men claim they can't meet classy women in  stores? Go  figure!

Louisville, Kentucky

Is  that a THONG Ollie Hopnoddle is  wearing?  I can't look again or I'll go  blind.

Mountain Brook, Alabama

For  my own sanity, I have to assume that Gussie  Klothgrunt is shoplifting two pork roasts in her  shirt.
Simply because there is no  possible way that can be anything other that two  pork roasts in her  shirt. Can't  be!

Forestdale,   Alabama

Aw  yes, don't you just love the holiday season in  Easley! I  hope Abe is buying some new  shirts. Is  it really necessary to say ANYTHING  ELSE

No  way, Laquanda, absolutely  not! That  outfit does not at all make you look like a  hooker.

Midlothian,   Virginia

It's  like a big pink garbage bag filled with creamed  corn and door knobs.

Houston, Texas

Mesmerized  here at the  Wal-mart Hiring Center,  Pinetop thinks this is his lucky day because his  mechanic called an hour ago and said, "I  couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your  horn louder."
Besides, all his  redneck buddies told him he was a lock to get  this job at Wal-mart, provided he can remember  not to smoke weed or drink beer during the  job interview.

Austin, Texas

This  is perfectly  understandable. Elena  Kagan was just on her way to the Country Club  when she remembered she need some coffee and a  couple of yoga videos.
Besides, she  thought to herself, I'll  just throw on  these gray shorts and I'll be smokin.  

Nashville,   Tennessee

Is  that a baby dangling from Raylene's waist like a  fanny pack? I  don't believe I've ever seen anything like that  before. 
The only thing wrong with  the gene pool around the Ozarks is there's no  lifeguard. 

Fort Smith, Arkansas

I  love talking with Freidagurtz Finkelstein,  because she always seems so surprised and  interested in what I have to  say.

Grand  Rapids, Michigan

Holy  Golden Illusions of Grandeur, I gotta get me  that outfit!

Alpharetta, Georgia

Either  that lady has a tail or Barney is stuck where  the sun doesn't shine.

Loves  Park, Illinois

Buddy Hackett

http://redux.com/stream/item/1126763/BABY-ELEPHANT-TRUNK-PENIS-BY-BUDDY-HACKETT

Great Comedian!!

Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said -'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room.

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" 
He slams the door and returns to bed. 

"Who was that?" asked his wife. 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 

"Did you help him?" she asks. 

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too." 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 

"Yes," comes back the answer. 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
    
   
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!
    
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
    yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
    
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'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
    
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
    
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
    
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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
    
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Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
    
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
    meeting a few times a week to play cards.
    
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..
    
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
    
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SENIOR DRIVING
    
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of  them!'
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
    
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DRIVING
    
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
    
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
    
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
    
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
    
    
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO us.................