A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

Good Morning Buddies

Forward to all your friends, including me And don't tell me you're too Busy for this.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,


The IRS keeps you broke.

Trials keep You Strong,

Sorrows keep You Human,

Failures keep You Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing,

But Only Buddies keep You Going!

Today is ' online buddy day ' Send this to your online friends - even me, if I'm one of them

Another "Service" Problem Solved - Here's your Sign!!

User complains that her PC has no network connectivity, so this help-desk pilot fish gives her a call to do basic troubleshooting before making a desk-side visit.

"I describe the network cable to her and ask her to confirm that it's connected firmly on both ends," says fish. "Check. I ask her to restart her computer. She does. The problem persists."

So fish starts trying to determine whether the problem is with all network functions, or only some.

Can she use the web? "No," user says.

OK, can you send or receive e-mail? "Oh, yes, no problems there," she says.

Ah, fish says, so it's only some network functions that are having problems? Some things aren't working, but e-mail is?

"Right," user says. "I just log onto my co-worker's computer instead, and e-mail works just fine."

Here's your sign!!!

Older than Dirt

Yesterday, this conversation came up, so I had to go find some fun ways to determine if we are really "Older than Dirt" Here are a few from Vikar Rant. If you can think of more, post them here or send them over!!

Older Than Dirt
Some people who receive this message won't understand a word of it. Others will be able to explain and laugh at every little detail.

The only difference between NOT understanding and understanding EVERYTHING is your age. You decide "how old you really are".

Enjoy or be forever lost!!!!

My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.


She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.

I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.

Man, I am old.

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Okay, How about this?

How Many Do You Remember??

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

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Older Than Dirt Quiz.

Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about! And NO fudging!

Ratings at the bottom.

Blackjack chewing gum

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

Candy cigarettes

Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

Party lines

Newsreels before the movie

P.F. Flyers

Butch wax

Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Capital 4-4374, CA4-4374 or 744-4374)

Peashooters

Howdy Doody

45 RPM records

S&H Green Stamps

Hi-fi's

Metal ice trays with lever

Blue flashbulb

Packards

Roller skate keys

Cork popguns

Drive-ins

Studebakers

Wash tub wringers.
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-24 = You're older than dirt!

Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends.

Signs To Make You Smile!

Signs To Make You Smile!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
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On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
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At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
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On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
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On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
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At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
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On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
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On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
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At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
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In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
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At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

Trying to outsmart your father does not work

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired
of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring
your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get
your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought
your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about
that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You are going to love the Dad's reply:




To this his father replied,





'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'