Why Live in Connecticut?

August 15 - Moved to our new home in Connecticut . It's so beautiful here.  The ocean & Sound looks so majestic.  I can hardly wait to see it snow covered.  I'm going to love it here!

October 14 - Connecticut is  definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all the colors and shades of red and orange.  Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer.  They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!

November 10 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal.   Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red and orange leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL.  Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.

November 15 - Ah, more leaves and more  exercise.

November 18 - Jesus, still more leaves.  Guess it's best to wait until they've all fallen before I rake again.

November 25 - Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today's final raking it's over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.

November 30 - What the fuck? Where did all of those leaves come from?  Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they'll just have to wait until spring.

December 12 - It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.  It looks like a postcard.  We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.  Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I Love Connecticut!

December 14 - More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again.  I Love it here.

December 19 - More snow again last night. Can't get out of the driveway.  Can't to get to work. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

December 22 - More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren't bad enough, now I've got blisters all over my hands from shoveling, must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm finished shoveling the driveway. The asshole.

December 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas.  More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

December 27 - More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time.  Fucking gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.

Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can't go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit.  The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

December 28 - The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit. At this rate it won't melt 'till summer.  The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to  borrow a shovel. After I told him I'd already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one on his fucking head.

January 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car.  Did about $3000 damage.  Fucking beast should be killed.  Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 - Took the  car to the garage in town. The thing is rusting out from all the fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May  10 - Moved to Punta Gorda , Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God forsaken state of Connecticut

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
Through her purse and was getting progressively more                          agitated. 

 

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on It.'

 

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
And handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop...

This Year 2011!!

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

THIS IS SO STRANGE......NO MATTER HOW U DO IT ITS 111....strange!! no doubt!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010 
Scenario 1: 
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.   
Scenario 2: 
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it 
Scenario 3: 
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt  class again. 
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. 
Scenario 4: 
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with  the psychologist.  
Scenario 5: 
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.. 
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock 
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.   
Scenario 6: 
Pedro fails high school English. 
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state  school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.   
Scenario 7: 
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 
1957 - Ants die. 
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror  watch list and is never allowed to fly again.  
Scenario 8: 
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.     
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become.

Perfect Justice!!

Perfect Justice!

 

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown  Phoenix  night before last.

Date: 12-02-2010, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Burger King, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Verizon just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

 The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

  ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Forgot my Glasses

Forgot my glasses ... 

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. 

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? 

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Where are your glasses?

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! 

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

Getting Old!

Blunt response to the comment by Sen. Alan Simpson who called seniors the "greediest generation"

Blunt response to the comment by Sen. Alan Simpson who called

seniors the "greediest generation".....

"We had the greatest generation; I think this is the greediest generation," says
Idaho Senator, Presidential Deficit Reduction Commission Co-chairman, Alan Simpson

Excuse the French but it tells it like it is........

From a man in Montana....who - like the rest of us - has just about had enough

Hey Alan,
Let’s get a few things straight…

   1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS…

   2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63)…

   3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for vote s, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud…

   4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission are proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN…

   5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills…

   6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Wh y? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay of YOUR debt…

To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling “bullshit” on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU…

   1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

   2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

   3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

   4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as us ual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

 And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

Always say what you mean  ! !
always mean what you say  ! !
NEVER    COMPROMISE ........

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW Company Rules EFFECTIVE January 1, 2011

DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW Company Rules EFFECTIVE January 1, 2011.

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year; they are called
Saturdays & Sundays.


Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management.
Pass this on to all who are employed!!!

HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT...........
                                      
                                      
                                        One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
                                      
                                        The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
                                      
                                        When she asked me why, I replied,
                                      
                                        "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
                                      
                                        And that's how the fight started.....
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
                                      
                                        I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
                                      
                                        'No,' she answered. I then said,
                                      
                                        'Is that your final answer?'
                                      
                                        She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
                                      
                                        So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And that's when the fight started...
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        I took my wife to a restaurant.
                                      
                                        The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
                                      
                                        "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
                                      
                                        He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
                                      
                                        "Nah, she can order for herself."
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And that's when the fight started.....
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at
                                      
                                        a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
                                      
                                        I asked her, "Do you know him?"
                                      
                                        "Yes", she sighed,
                                      
                                        "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split
                                      
                                        Up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
                                      
                                        "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And then the fight started...
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
                                      
                                        When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
                                      
                                        She asked, "What's on TV?"
                                      
                                        I said, "Dust."
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And then the fight started...
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
                                      
                                        My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And that's how the fight started...
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
                                      
                                        She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
                                      
                                        I bought her a bathroom scale.
                                      
                                        And then the fight started......
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        _______________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
                                      
                                        The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
                                      
                                        I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
                                      
                                        I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
                                      
                                        The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
                                      
                                        So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
                                       

                                        She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

                                      
                                        When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
                                      
                                        She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        And then the fight started...
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        ________________________________
                                      
                                      
                                       
                                        My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
                                      
                                        She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
                                      
                                        I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
                                      
                                        I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
                                      
                                     
                                      
                                        And then the fight started........

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2010

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2010

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he  asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little  Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.  And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no friggin bike!

His & Hers Diaries - A True Vermont Story

 

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said, 'Nothing.'  I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.  I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.  About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.  He fell asleep - I cried.  I don't know what to do.  I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.  My life is a disaster. 

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.